1. The Attention Seeker
We all know this kind of status. It starts with, “I’m checking to see who reads my wall” or something similar. Nothing like a spot check to see if people actually care to read the crap we post.
2. The Tacky Messenger
It is a terrible thing when someone close to us passes. But stumbling across this information for the first time in some thoughtless person’s Facebook post does not exactly help.
3. The Unintelligible
This is the status containing practically no capital letters or punctuation whatsoever. It may also be profanity-laden and full of elements making it nearly impossible to comprehend.
4. The Ratchet
Pretty much any status containing or demonstrating the phrases ratchet, twerking or turned up.
5. The Sob Story
This is when someone is fairly blatantly phishing for online sympathy by telling us about their 13th breakup with the same person or some other sappy situation.
6. The Validator
Similar to the Sob Story, this is the person phishing for compliments. Typically, they will attempt to downplay or self-denigrate slightly in order to get a few, “you go for yours” or “forget the haters.”
7. The Unashamed
The picture of the young ladies all dressed for the club. Problem is they barely have anything on and your Thanksgiving table is the last time you saw so many rolls. By the way, there is no one fishnet shirts or dresses actually look good on.
8. The Deletion
Instead of simply deleting people they are on the outs with or never talk to, they have to let everyone know they are about to do so. Funny thing is, those people could probably care less anyway.
9. The Passive Aggressive
Nothing like somebody broadcasting a grievance to hundreds of people, which is clearly directed at one particular person. Handle your business with that person. No need to involve the whole world.
10. The Naïve
There are sites which post articles composed entirely of satire and sarcasm. Unfortunately, it flies entirely over some peoples’ heads because it suits a bias they have. So before believing Obama admitted he’s a secret Muslim who wants to destroy America or Beyonce confessed to being an Illuminati priestess, make a quick trip to Snopes.com or a reputable news site.
11. The Propaganda
These are certain posts made by folks with blind allegiance to their political party; or at least a thorough hatred of the other. What makes these particularly annoying is the flat out hatred and offensiveness infused within them. Many who post these also fall victim to The Naïve.
12. The Hijack
What is unique about this particular post, is it actually occurs in the comment section of someone else’s post. It also occurs when two or more people get carried away in an argument in which the original poster has no part.
13. The Flood
This occurs when your news feed is overrun by a barrage of posts from a singular individual sharing practically every photo, video or meme they came across in the last 20 minutes.
14. The Hopeless Romantic
That poor individual openly professing their undying love…for someone they literally met two or three weeks ago. It is even more pathetic when the exact same type of post is made a few months later…about someone else.
15. The Heartless Agenda
What could possibly be more compassionate than someone posting pro-gun propaganda, shortly following a mass shooting? When 50 people are murdered by a madman and your first thought is to protect your guns, maybe you should rethink your priorities.
16. The Hopeless Agenda
The flip-side of the Heartless Agenda in which the anti-gun proponents take to the news feed. What makes it so hopeless is gun restrictions, if somehow ever passed, have even less of a chance of sticking than Prohibition did.
17. The Forgetful
This is when people posts jubilant statuses regarding their candidate winning a presidential debate. Apparently, they actually believe this will be the one time a single person will change the course this country has been on for several decades, regardless of who is in office.
18. The Failed Martyr
If someone is not afraid to stand up and say they are a Christian, they are supposed to like or share these posts. Sorry, but this display of boldness carries a little more weight when living in places where Christians are disowned, jailed or killed for doing so.
19. The Thirsty
If you really miss someone that much or feel that horny, please pick up the phone or inbox them rather than blasting it to the whole world.
20. The Conversation
Why post back and forth on each other’s walls when, once again, you could just inbox or chat it out so much faster?
21. The Formality
That obligatory “Happy Birthday” message to that person you never really talk to anyway.
22. The False Hope
Congratulations on losing those 5 pounds last week. Just know that unless you have already been eating right or exercising on a regular basis, it is just water weight that will soon return.
23. The Great Beyond
Yes it sounds wrong, but it will be said anyway. Why are you posting those “RIP” and “Missing you” messages to dead people? Would those things not be much better done in some manner just a little more intimate than a status update? And let us not even get started on the ones to celebrities who never knew you anyway.
24. The Essay
When someone clicks “see more” on your status and the browser opens a completely separate tab just to show all of it, maybe you need to get your own website. Just click the “About Culture Conscience” link and you will understand I am picking on myself at this point.
25. The Farewell to Self-Respect
We have all seen them. The half-naked booty poses with the puckered lips or something of the like. The self-respect truly goes down for the count when the sexual onslaughts guys write in the comments are met with a, “Thanks for all the compliments.”
26. The R. Kelly
These are posts from people shamelessly fluctuating from “I love Jesus” and “God is so good,” to numbers 4, 7, 11, 15 and 25 without batting an eye.
27. The Spoiler
It may be hard to believe, but everyone is not watching the game, the results episode or Scandal at the same time as you. Some people Hulu or DVR this stuff only to come across your live updates before they get a chance to see it for themselves. No one asked for your commentary anyway.
By Corey Dorsey