15 concerns of black men who date or marry outside the race

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1.       People assuming we are not attracted to black women

This concern does not appear out of thin air. For one, there are some real self-hatred types who have something against their own people for reasons ranging from bad past experiences to growing up surrounded by few other blacks. But often times, the assumption is made clear from comments made by other black people. Our society does enough racial hierarchy without accusing other blacks of doing the same based entirely on dating a non-black person.

2.       The rebellious-flinger types

The main concern usually comes into play when looking for an actual relationship. But, we run into someone actually interested in the taboo or excitement of being with a black guy. The other concern which comes into being is they may also be more likely to make certain accusations in order to avoid social or parental backlash.

3.       Traversing the cultural gap

As much as some may want to deny it in our modern society, there simply are cultural gaps between different peoples. And despite how much someone may try to sympathize, there will always be some things that just cannot be known without experiencing them for oneself. This may doubly be fodder for conflict should it come time to raise children.

4.       How their own family will respond

There probably will not be many cases of being disowned on this side of the equation. What there will possibly be are the jokes and comments from time to time. There is also a chance the significant other will not be taken seriously as well.

5.        Meeting the other family

When it comes time to meet her family, you never know if you will walk into a scene from “Meet the Parents,” “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner” or “Mississippi Burning.” But if she happens to be a flinger type, there is no intention for you to meet the family anyway.

6.       Resentment from black women

It is almost inevitable that a black man with a non-black woman, will eventually cross paths with black women who are hostile to the situation; especially if they perceive him to be a decent catch. The mere fact of being with her is taken as a referendum on black women as whole. This hostility may also be shown to the significant other as well for “taking one of ours.”

7.       There must always be ulterior motives involved

The assumption that a black man dating a non-black woman must be doing it for practically any other reason than actually caring about her, is alive and well. And to be fair, there are many guys who may do so. However, controlling men and players are in pretty much every culture regardless of the ethnic combination within the relationship. Some of the same women who assert this claim will also turn around and complain about their own man doing the same things in another conversation.

8.       It is just a phase

People may not outright say dating outside the race is just a phase. Instead, they may imply the man secretly craves a black woman; which implies the previous assumption as well. There may even be blatant attempts to fix him up with black women because he could not possibly be serious about the other woman. The thing is, a guy who is serious in their relationship merely sees it as a sign of disrespect to that relationship.

9.       Assuming he is out of touch with his culture

The first assumption is assuming he was so engrossed in it in the first place. As stated before, some may have simply lived in areas that were not predominantly black. Beyond that, the age old debate regarding being “black enough” or not should have been left back in the Willie Lynch era; as in when black slaves were intentionally pitted against each other to prevent unified rebellions against the masters.

10.   He is one of the good ones

Nothing could possibly be more guilt-trippy than asserting an educated or successful black man, has an extra obligation to settle down within his race. The thing is, there are plenty of black men who have married white women and still made great progress for their culture. That is, unless we decide to consider Frederick Douglass a sellout.

11.   Being mistaken for a kidnapper

Should a black guy have children with his fairer-skinned counterpart, there is always a chance those children will bare far more resemblance to the companion. When combined with the uniqueness of the black experience, the black guy may now feel a legitimate concern that people will not recognize him as the father. And should said child happen to throw a tantrum in public, he may be mistaken as someone trying to abduct them.

12.   Will aging be similar

Superficial as it may be, the notion of comparative aging may cross the mind. After all, they say “black don’t crack.” So while worry of one day appearing to be cougar-ed is not exactly the most romantic of thoughts, it is still a thought.

13.   Children and roots

Raising biracial children will often raise concerns about how much they will connect with the black part of their heritage. The fear of them becoming too assimilated into mainstream culture will tend to be a concern for those with an appreciation for their own. And depending on where we live, it may require some very intentional efforts to pass that heritage on to them.

14.   She might say something out of pocket

Even if they are the most liberal person out there, there may be the temptation for the companion to very effectively put a cultural foot in their mouth. But if they are wise, they will understand being with a black man does not equate to fully understanding his experiences and perspective. Contrary to what some people may believe, being with someone of another race does not really qualify them to be an authority on that culture.

15.   Bring home the Fury

What could be more disconcerting than your biracial daughter coming home with this guy…

By Corey Dorsey

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